On appreciation
The secret sauce that nurtures and sustains our relationships with people.
From my own pain this weekend I learned a really valuable lesson about myself and about human beings in general. I learnt that people need appreciation. I now believe it is the fuel of human connection and people’s sustainable well-being. We desire to be in a place where we are not at the mercy of someone eventually seeing our value, but where our value is seen and accounted for, always. Even in the smallest of ways.
When you start a business do not lean heavily on people that are willing to work for you for free. If there is something that someone is doing for you for free that if you were paying for it would be really expensive and they are doing it anyway, then you ought to make sure that they are taken care of in the same way that someone who would be doing that job is, because hey, they are doing that job. If in the present you can’t afford to cut them a check, then cut them something else? Find ways that your business could also serve theirs. Let them know, you have done me a solid, and ask them, what can I do for you? You may find out that they only want a verbal thank you, a recognition of some kind, a little money, or nothing at all! I realize that human beings don’t need much to feel seen. But you have to find out what makes them feel seen. Always.
It’s different for all of us but it is wildly important. If you find what drives people, what keeps them engaged, what floats their boat, they will be there for you. They will rise in the morning for you, and they will stay as long as you want them to, happily, and passionately. But hey you can never afford to make them feel used. And you do that by not understanding what they need too. Their needs are just as important as yours. Whatever you do find out what the people in your life need from you. If there is someone in your life who brings a lot of value in your life, and you can’t imagine them being gone, reach out to them and ask, “Hey, I really value what you do for me, or what you did for me back there, is there something I can do for you that would add value to what you are doing?” I have found myself asking this question a lot more. It is easy to feel like we have nothing to offer others but that is wildly untrue.
There is always something we can offer and do to make people in our lives feel valued and appreciated. If you can’t imagine asking that pointed, direct question I suggested earlier, and if it feels to you somehow ‘transactional’, here is another way to approach it. In your own time, find out what they need and what you can and are willing to offer, and offer them that. Find out the intersection between what makes them feel seen and what you are willing to give. If you find that, you have found gold. The more of that, that you find for a lot of different people that love you, show up for you, work for you, or are friends of yours, the more you will keep them for the rest of your life. You will never want anything or lack nothing. That’s the secret sauce.
Some people are uncomfortable with this because they wonder if people would still do things for them then, purely from a place of wanting to do things for them. My answer to that is if you get obsessed with making sure people are doing things for you purely for the sake of doing them you will almost always end up, sometimes unwittingly taking advantage of them. You will expect them to go above and beyond for you but will fail to realize that they may be giving up a lot to meet your needs. I advise you get obsessed, instead, with finding out what it is that will also help them. In doing so you will also see their true desires and in turn, avoid using them. Let it be your mission and obsession to find out how you can add value to the lives of people that add value to yours, let that be the first thing you ask, I promise you, you will be wildly and pleasantly surprised with what you will find out.